I also didnt physically resist Mark. I also felt like an idiot. I also felt numb. I also then wondered whether Marks actions counted as sexual assault. Then, in my 20s, I was raped by a co-worker, someone I also considered a friend. Pretending it never happened allowed me to return to the office the next day. Seeing this co-worker afterward, I felt some brief sense of control. If I could work with this man, then surely I could get past the rape.

After Weinstein allegedly raped Mann, she testified that she entered into what I thought was going to be a real relationship with himand it was extremely degrading from that point on. Weinsteins attorneys pointed to this as further proof that he couldnt have possibly raped her. Dating her attacker may give a survivor some sense of power. If youve ever laughed despite feeling profound grief, then you understand that sometimes our actions and feelings dont predictably align.

After 14 years of silence between Mark and me, I interviewed him for a book I was writing. Talking with him again all these years latershaping the narrativewas my way of taking control. He explained he knew that what he was doing that night was wrong while he was doing it, but he did it anyway. It was a huge betrayal, he said. Ive felt terrible about it for however many years now. I have to admit I was really surprised to hear from you. I kind of assumed I never would again.

Even all these years later, I tried to accommodate him. While transcribing the audio of our conversations, I noticed that I often handed the power back to him, telling him, So this is how I remember the event, but correct me if you have a different memory. Early in our conversation, I even comforted him, saying, I hope you know that I dont hate you, or anything like that, I hope its in some way helpful for you to know that I genuinely believe youre a good guy, and I hope this is somewhat helpful for you to talk about.

When I pointed this out to Mark on a later call, we both laughed at how deferential I could be. Its embarrassing, I told him. I didnt know I did it that much. He called it endearing. I called it absurd. He and I sometimes even slipped into reminiscing about high school, as if the rape had never happened. It wasnt hard to pretend that everything was okay. I had spent years trying to avoid thinking about what he did.

Read: Bad hookup, or sexual assault? Sometimes the friends decide.

At Weinsteins trial, I wasnt surprised that his defense attorneys relied on these stereotypes about how women should react to an assault. But I did wonder whether his attorneys either had a low-grade understanding of human behavior or figured the jury did. Did they not know? Or did they know, but not care? Maybe they cared but told themselves they were just doing their job, protecting the sanctity of due process. And then I heard his lawyer Donna Rotunno on The New York Times podcast The Daily. Megan Twohey, one of the Times journalists who broke the story about Weinsteins pattern of abuse, interviewed Rotunno six days after the trial started.

Read more:
I Kept Talking to My Rapists - The Atlantic