The COVID-19 economy is on a roll – Lewiston Sun Journal

The dudes name is Clyde, but on thestreetshes known as The Depot.

No matter what you need or in what quantity, The Depot can hook you up.

Guns? The Depots got guns. Dope? Liquor? Party girls? If youve got the cash, my friend, youll find everything you need in the back of The Depots windowless van.

Its the Silk Road in there, my man. Its Black Market heaven.

Today, The Depots rolling warehouse is parked in a dusty lot off Lisbon Street and business is booming. Nobody wants Glocks this time and none are interested in crank, either. Times have changed, of late, but thats OK. The Depot rolls with the punches.

If thats all you got for cash, he tells a harried fat man, the best I can do for you is six rolls of White Cloud. Believe me,bruh. Thats the best bargain youre going to find.

Come on, brother, the fat man protests. I got a family. Three kids and all of them with overactive bowels. You gotta make it 10 rolls. And how about some of that Purell I see back there?

Eight rolls of store brand stuff, The Depot counters. I cant give you no Purell, but Ill toss in a sample packet of Equate. Best I can do, bub. You in or out?

The fat man grumbles but takes the deal. Behind him is a scowling woman in Snoopy pajamas whos come to trade her big screen Samsung for 10 rolls of Scott brand. At the last minute, she changes her mind and takes six rolls of Charmin. Sometimes, youve just got to go with the good stuff.

Next, a working-class Joe willing to trade a Playstation and Gibson six-string for 10 rolls of TP and a three-pack of N95 masks. After that, its nine rolls and a can of Lysol for a pretty young lass whos willing to part with her engagement ring for that piece of mind in the bathroom.

All of this is probably made up, but you know? Im really not sure.

Times have gotten weird. Im OK with most of it. The pandemic isnt much of a surprise, really, nor is the way people are reacting to it. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

But I will never, ever no sir, not never understand this crazy obsession with toilet paper. It baffles me. Stupefies me. Amuses me for a little while before it just gets depressing and I have to look away.

With the world closing down around us and coronavirus only gaining steam, why has humble TP become the most coveted item in the world? Toilet paper is useful, I will grant you, but it has but one use and if times get really tough, there are plenty of alternatives (try not to think about that too much).

Every time I see the scrambling hordes filling their carts at Walmart or Hannaford, I wonder what Im missing. Are those people planning to eat the toilet paper?Have they discovered a way to smoke it, drink it or load it into their shotguns so they can roam the perimeter and protect the rest of their quilted, three-ply stash?

Why are these people not hoarding bags of rice, tuna fish, water filters or ammo instead? What was it that made them suddenly decide: To heck with food, protection and clean water! I need to prepare myself for 5 million wipes!

I just. Dont. Get it. I will bet you any money. . . No, I will bet you a hundred rolls of ultra plush White Cloud, that this began as some fiends diabolical experiment in human behavior. Somebody somewhere intentionally planted just the right subliminal seed to put the toilet paper frenzy into motion. Now theyre rolling with laughter in front of their television sets.

I told you I could do it, Marvin! Just like I told you a couple years ago I could get them to dump buckets of ice water over their heads in the middle of winter!

Its nuts, yo, but lets move on. I have other thoughts on all of this.

Stay safe, you beautiful weirdos. And dont forget to wash my hands.