If you wish to grow in any area of life, learning how to bring curiosity and compassion into your thoughts opens the door for transformation.

When we make a conscious choice to view things with curiosity and compassion, we are better able to see the why behind the why. When we uncover what is actually driving the behavior, we can begin to change.

This works in our own behaviors, as well as in relating to others.

Lets look at how this might work on a personal level. You have a behavior that you dislike. Perhaps you frequently lose your temper and say hurtful things to your spouse or child. You tell yourself you are going to be more patient, and yet again, you snap. Here is where we want to pay attention. Most of us then move into judgment or justification. Judgement: I lost it again. Im a horrible father. Im just like my dad. Whats wrong with me, why cant I control myself? Or justification: She always pushes my buttons. I work hard and deserve to let off some steam. They need to toughen up. They had it coming. Im only human.

The problem with both of these reactions is they make us defensive and typically lead to unproductive feelings of guilt or anger. They shut the door for further learning and so the opportunity to transform the behavior is lost.

Whereas, if we were to respond to our unwanted behavior with curiosity and compassion, we create room for growth. This might look like: I wonder why I just lost my temper? What happened today that made me feel so irritated? What do I need that Im not asking for? Who am I really angry at? Where am I feeling overwhelmed?This reaction allows for exploration and solutions. We begin to uncover why we are behaving in such a way, and when we get to the root of the problem, we can fix it.

Asking compassionately is key because it calms our defenses and allows us to feel safe enough to be honest.

We can apply the curiosity and compassion principle to our relationships as well. Lets imagine your teenager gets home and is in a mood. You calmly remind them they still need to take out the trash and youre met with an eye roll and a rude, I know! At this moment, we have the option to choose judgment: What is your problem? Youre ungrateful and lazy. How dare you speak to me that way. I dont ask you to do much around here, you should have a better attitude! We could feel completely justified as the parent to react in this way. However, that would close to the door to any deeper communication that might uncover what is really going on with our child. Curiosity and compassion might look like: You seem upset, is something bothering you? I wonder why me reminding you about the trash made you so angry? Are you feeling overwhelmed? What do you need right now? This makes your teen feel safe and connected and allows them to soften and let you in. Or at the very least, they might take out the trash without further aggression.

Developing the habit of responding with curiosity and compassion toward ourselves first, and then others, creates an open space where we can be honest and uncover the driving force behind the unwanted behavior. When we simply judge or justify the behavior, we are either shaming ourselves or someone else, and where there is shame, there is no room for growth.

I like to think of it as wearing my curiosity and compassion hat. When I sense myself moving into judgment or justification, I imagine pulling out a deerstalker cap and placing it on my head. This allows me to slow down, shift my perspective, and discover where the change truly needs to take place.

Rebecca Stark is a mastery certified health and life coach. She is the owner of Rebecca Stark Coaching. You can contact her at 720-412-6148 or visit rebeccastarkcoaching.com. If you have questions you would like answered in this article, please submit to rebeccastarkcoaching@gmail.com

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The Relationship Coach: Wear curiosity and compassion to change behavior - Longmont Times-Call